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Humor and Comedy

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"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
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!--Joke--?>A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

 

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?

 

"I'm out of gas!"

 

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

 

"Try it now," said one bee.

 

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

 

"Wow!" the man exclaimed.

 

"What did you put in my gas tank"?

 

The bee answered, "BP."

 

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A mother is reading a book to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little 3 year-old looks up at her mother and in her deepest voice replies, "Bud."

 

Funny Stuff Top 6 one linners.

 

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

 

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

 

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

 

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once

 

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year!

 

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Joke
The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman Was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

 

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Funny Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!

 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

 

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

 

Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

 

The directions said that:

 

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

 

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

 

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note:

 

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

 

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

 

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
  •  

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

     

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

     

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    A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap it off against a tree.

    As he slept, two brite lassies heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

    She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for the sharing!" She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.

    That morning, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon bow . He stared for a minute, then said, "Aye, I know not where y'been laddie... but it's good ta see you won first prize!"


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    Hair Removal Joke

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal. The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now the wax. Read on. My night began as any other normal weeknight. I come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. 'So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP! I'm blind! Blinded from pain! OH MY GAWD! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point..
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    Some Deep thinking from George Carlin

    1.How come wrong numbers are never busy?
    2.Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

    3. Does that screwdriver really belong to Philip?

    4. Does killing time damage eternity?

    5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    6. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

    7. Why is it that night falls and day breaks?

    8. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

    9. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

    10. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    11. Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

    12. Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn-shop?

    13. Daylight savings time- why are they saving it, and where do they keep it?

    14. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

    15. Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

    16. Do pilots take crash-courses?

    17. Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

    18. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

    19. Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

    20. How can there be self-help "groups"?

    21. How do you get off a non-stop flight?
    22. How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?
    23. How many weeks are there in a light-year?
    24. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
    25. If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
    26. If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends?
    27. If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
    28. If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?
    29. If peanut butter cookies are made out of peanut butter, what are girl guide cookies made of.
    30. If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
    31. If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
    32. If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
    33. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
    34. If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
    35. If you jog backwards, do you gain weight?
    36. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? ( no offence intended )
    37. Why do signs that say "slow children" have a picture of a running child?
    38. Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot?
    39. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
    40. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

     

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    Everyone likes a laugh or a thought once ad awhile. Jokes Garden of Eden Story: Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg."

     

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